As a mother of two grown-up children, when I look back over the years, this thought some times fills me with a guilt. Did I never spy on my children? Did I accept what ever they said and never suspected anything fishy in their statements?
I have been fortunate that my children confided everything in me. But adolescent period is such in which they can sway in any direction. Not many children are strong enough not to succumb to peer pressure. That requires a lot of courage for we are all social beings and want to be a part of a circle of friends.
But some incidents become an eye opener and you realise how you have erred. I admit that there have been many mistakes I have made during my parenting years and if given a second chance would want to rectify them. But sadly life does not give a second chance.
My daughter after doing her middle school joined the American School. Since she had followed a British system and curriculum in India, I was apprehensive if she would be able to adjust socially, culturally and academically. Time went and she adjusted wonderfully to all these things.
One day she came to me and said that her class was going for two days out of town. My first reaction being an Indian mother was "Oh, so you all go together, even the boys?" and she said yes, the whole class is going. I got a cultural shock. I told her to give me sometime to think about that.
My husband and I discussed the "serious" matter and concluded that she would soon be going to university for her studies, then are we going to monitor her movements? Do we penalise her for asking us? She could have just come and said, "I want to go". I need to have faith in my child to let her go into the world. I saw my daughter doing her school assignment and tears rolling down her cheeks.
I called her and asked if she really wanted to go and she said in affirmative. We said go. She danced with joy.
She went off to sleep early and I went to kiss her goodnight. She turned sleepily and embraced me saying that I was the best mother in the world. I still get goosepimples thinking about that. How wrong was I? I hurt my child for such a small thing. Did'nt I have that much faith in my daughter? She just wanted an approval. I am proud to say that she has never done anything to put me to shame till now.
Another anecdote which I must mention is about my son. In his high school days, he was a reserved child focussing more on his studies or computer games rather than going out with friends. We always felt that he should be fit socially also. One day during our dinner, he got a call from his friend and just heard him say no, thank you, maybe next time. After he put down the phone, my husband out of curiosity asked him who it was and he said his friend who wanted him to come to a party and he had said no. We said but he should be mixing with his friends also. He kept quiet for some time and then said, what do you want me to do? smoke like my friends, consume drugs like they do or drink? He said I do not want to do any of those things so dont want to go. It was our time to be taken aback. Have been coercing our child to go into a group in which he is not comfortable?
On his school graduating party, he said he wanted to go and I said but you refused two years back about such gatherings. He said mamma, it doesnt matter, I dont have necessarily do what others do. I can always take soft drinks and mingle with my friends and I patted him at the back saying that this is maturity. You have matured into a person, know and decide what you feel is right. You do not always have to go along with the peers or succumb to their pressures. I felt happy that my son had made the right decision two years back and had not done something which we were asking him to do. This time we had wronged but our son stood corrected.
There have been many such incidences in my parenthood and what I have realised that a child in a happy family will never falter from his values which have been instilled in him.
I have been fortunate that my children confided everything in me. But adolescent period is such in which they can sway in any direction. Not many children are strong enough not to succumb to peer pressure. That requires a lot of courage for we are all social beings and want to be a part of a circle of friends.
But some incidents become an eye opener and you realise how you have erred. I admit that there have been many mistakes I have made during my parenting years and if given a second chance would want to rectify them. But sadly life does not give a second chance.
My daughter after doing her middle school joined the American School. Since she had followed a British system and curriculum in India, I was apprehensive if she would be able to adjust socially, culturally and academically. Time went and she adjusted wonderfully to all these things.
One day she came to me and said that her class was going for two days out of town. My first reaction being an Indian mother was "Oh, so you all go together, even the boys?" and she said yes, the whole class is going. I got a cultural shock. I told her to give me sometime to think about that.
My husband and I discussed the "serious" matter and concluded that she would soon be going to university for her studies, then are we going to monitor her movements? Do we penalise her for asking us? She could have just come and said, "I want to go". I need to have faith in my child to let her go into the world. I saw my daughter doing her school assignment and tears rolling down her cheeks.
I called her and asked if she really wanted to go and she said in affirmative. We said go. She danced with joy.
She went off to sleep early and I went to kiss her goodnight. She turned sleepily and embraced me saying that I was the best mother in the world. I still get goosepimples thinking about that. How wrong was I? I hurt my child for such a small thing. Did'nt I have that much faith in my daughter? She just wanted an approval. I am proud to say that she has never done anything to put me to shame till now.
Another anecdote which I must mention is about my son. In his high school days, he was a reserved child focussing more on his studies or computer games rather than going out with friends. We always felt that he should be fit socially also. One day during our dinner, he got a call from his friend and just heard him say no, thank you, maybe next time. After he put down the phone, my husband out of curiosity asked him who it was and he said his friend who wanted him to come to a party and he had said no. We said but he should be mixing with his friends also. He kept quiet for some time and then said, what do you want me to do? smoke like my friends, consume drugs like they do or drink? He said I do not want to do any of those things so dont want to go. It was our time to be taken aback. Have been coercing our child to go into a group in which he is not comfortable?
On his school graduating party, he said he wanted to go and I said but you refused two years back about such gatherings. He said mamma, it doesnt matter, I dont have necessarily do what others do. I can always take soft drinks and mingle with my friends and I patted him at the back saying that this is maturity. You have matured into a person, know and decide what you feel is right. You do not always have to go along with the peers or succumb to their pressures. I felt happy that my son had made the right decision two years back and had not done something which we were asking him to do. This time we had wronged but our son stood corrected.
There have been many such incidences in my parenthood and what I have realised that a child in a happy family will never falter from his values which have been instilled in him.
