To what extent should I have faith in my child?

As a mother of two grown-up children, when I look back over the years, this thought some times fills me with a guilt. Did I never spy on my children? Did I accept what ever they said and never suspected anything fishy in their statements?

I have been fortunate that my children confided everything in me. But adolescent period is such in which they can sway in any direction. Not many children are strong enough not to succumb to peer pressure. That requires a lot of courage for we are all social beings and want to be a part of a circle of friends.

But some incidents become an eye opener and you realise how you have erred. I admit that there have been many mistakes I have made during my parenting years and if given a second chance would want to rectify them. But sadly life does not give a second chance.

My daughter after doing her middle school joined the American School. Since she had followed a British system and curriculum in India, I was apprehensive if she would be able to adjust socially, culturally and academically. Time went and she adjusted wonderfully to all these things.
One day she came to me and said that her class was going for two days out of town. My first reaction being an Indian mother was "Oh, so you all go together, even the boys?" and she said yes, the whole class is going. I got a cultural shock. I told her to give me sometime to think about that.

My husband and I discussed the "serious" matter and concluded that she would soon be going to university for her studies, then are we going to monitor her movements? Do we penalise her for asking us? She could have just come and said, "I want to go". I need to have faith in my child to let her go into the world. I saw my daughter doing her school assignment and tears rolling down her cheeks.
I called her and asked if she really wanted to go and she said in affirmative. We said go. She danced with joy.

She went off to sleep early and I went to kiss her goodnight. She turned sleepily and embraced me saying that I was the best mother in the world. I still get goosepimples thinking about that. How wrong was I? I hurt my child for such a small thing. Did'nt I have that much faith in my daughter? She just wanted an approval. I am proud to say that she has never done anything to put me to shame till now.

Another anecdote which I must mention is about my son. In his high school days, he was a reserved child focussing more on his studies or computer games rather than going out with friends. We always felt that he should be fit socially also. One day during our dinner, he got a call from his friend and just heard him say no, thank you, maybe next time. After he put down the phone, my husband out of curiosity asked him who it was and he said his friend who wanted him to come to a party and he had said no. We said but he should be mixing with his friends also. He kept quiet for some time and then said, what do you want me to do? smoke like my friends, consume drugs like they do or drink? He said I do not want to do any of those things so dont want to go. It was our time to be taken aback. Have been coercing our child to go into a group in which he is not comfortable?

On his school graduating party, he said he wanted to go and I said but you refused two years back about such gatherings. He said mamma, it doesnt matter, I dont have necessarily do what others do. I can always take soft drinks and mingle with my friends and I patted him at the back saying that this is maturity. You have matured into a person, know and decide what you feel is right. You do not always have to go along with the peers or succumb to their pressures. I felt happy that my son had made the right decision two years back and had not done something which we were asking him to do. This time we had wronged but our son stood corrected.

There have been many such incidences in my parenthood and what I have realised that a child in a happy family will never falter from his values which have been instilled in him.

I don't want to send my child away from me

Most mothers face this phase in their life. The child who used to run after her, could not do anything without her help has now to leave to pursue studies or leave home for a job. It is not easy for a mother to see her helpless child stuggle.

How is he going to survive? What will my child eat? These thoughts can be very depressing to any mother. This is a very common maternal instinct. Somehow the attachment with the child is so deep that it saddens a mother to think of him striving for his daily needs.

I have two grown up children, so when my daughter left for university, I did'nt go to drop her but for almost a week I cried holding her clothes in my arms. My eyes would start watering the moment I would see her favorite mug with red stars on it. Imagining how she would cope in her new life made my heart heavy. But, she was fine, yes, called me more initially how home sick she was and that made me cry more. After some time, she had made new friends and moulded herself into the new environment.

I vividly remember, the scene still fresh in my mind, the moment I went to drop my son at his university. It pained me, my throat choked and I wanted time itself to stop. I clung to him and did not want to leave. Though I had made all arrangements for his food till such time as the dining facility started functioning, my instructions never stopped. Listen, eat your food on time, anything you need just let us know. I left and looked back to get most of his last glimpse and could see him standing alone gently waving us. I cried and cried the way back home. My eyes are moist and my throat is choking even as I write this so many yeras later.
A few years later I confided in my son telling him how I cried after I left him and I was shocked when he said, "mamma, I went into the room and cried a lot too"!

I knew my children were entering an unknown territory, entering into a world in which they had to survive. I had to leave them to fend on their own, for that is how they were going to learn and cope with the world. Initial hesitations are so natural but many a times we underestimate our children. They cope better than us!

It is like throwing a child in a pool of water so that he at least makes the effort of kicking and paddling. If, I do not let him into the world how will he withstand the pressures of  the world later on? I also stress that our responsibility is not over once they leave home. Infact, initially they might need your moral support even more. Make them feel that you are always with them and you would be there whenever they need you. Moral support can do wonders. It gives additional confidence to your child.

The parting is not at all easy for a parent or even for the child but a determination is all that is needed. Sending your child away does not mean that you love him less. Infact, I have noticed many a times that the children who continue to stay with their parents are slightly under confident, finding it impossible to make decisions. The reason probably being that we parents make all decisions for them. "Oh, come on, you dont know but this is not good for you", or "you dont know, I am the mother, I know you better"!

Honestly, within a short time you would be surprised how your child has matured and has adjusted to the "new" world into which he is going to trudge for the rest of his life, finding a comfortable niche for himself.