My children left very early for their higher education and on every visit, I would see a change in them. From a young child, I saw them grow into young individuals capable of deciding things for themselves. The though in the early phases shocked me and then on introspection I discovered that was'nt I always telling me children to pursue their dreams? take a career of their choice? and now when they are in a position to do that, I feel dejected. I thought they were drifting away from me. There may be more mothers like me who feel the same.
It can be the most depressing time in a mother's life when she starts to realize that her children are trying to ignore her, answer back at her and deciding what they want to do.
To a certain extent this change is very natural and in today's times, have'nt we been encouraging them to make decisions? Making decisions is definitely a postive development but the choice of making the right decision is important and that is where we as parents play a very major role. Let me start by talking about family values and the environment in family. Why? because family is the first contact with world a child gets, its also his first school.
Do the parents have respect for each other?
We are all individuals with a different personality and agreeing to each other is not easy but when it comes to the children then yes, they need to have a common say. Most of the times we notice that the parents might make contradictory statements. Remember, children are smart and they like to take advantage of whoever yields to their wishes. Yielding to their unreasonable demands is no love, they know that as well. On the contrary you are spoiling them.
I have seen parents looking down at their spouses or making fun of one parent with their children. There is a difference in making fun or ridiculing a parent and enjoying the laughter together.
The parents should try making a habit of deciding together. This I repeat is very important for once the children know that the parents consult each other and decide, not only does the respect for parents increase but couples also come close to each other.
Never oppose your spouse's decision in front of your children
Am I presenting this picture of your home? No matter how wrong your spouse may be, side with her/him in front of your children. If she has said no for something never say "you are wrong and I see no reason why they should not be doing this". This would confuse the child, who is right mother or father? Who should I go to if I need anything?
Maybe, signal each other to talk and if you have a good rapport then you would both understand. Talk to each other and arrive at a decision. If by this time you have realised that you were wrong, go to children and tell them that you think they were right.
Be in close contact with children
It may seem to be a boring idea but family bonding does not happen in a day, It takes whole parenthood to do so. Interacting with them as to what happened in school, their friends, what do they talk about all this will give you an idea as to what your child is thinking and which direction is he going especially during the pre-adolescent and adolescent phase. If you sense he is treading on a wrong path, this is the time to talk and check him. Even if you are working you can remotely be in touch with him. Thanks for technology now, we are 24 x7 online, not thinking how impossible it is now to evade anyone!
Physical closeness leads to security within a child. A child wants nothing than a warm hug from parents. I sometimes wonder why fathers are portrayed as those who cannot show their feelings. This is such a stereostyped character we represent of a father.If a mother can cry or feel sad at the time of their children's departure, why can't a father give a warm hug to his child and say that he misses him? Your child will definitely like that I can assure you.
You are your child's first teacher
Instill faith in your child. Talk to him even if the topic may be too embarassing for you to handle. But one of you should talk to children about the changes both physical and emotional they would be undergoing as they grow up. All this would depend on the social norms you have. Some places may have a tabboo on certain things and some may be too relaxed. Tell them that no question or querry is funny or embarassing and since it a biological fact, deal with it in a positve manner. If you don't tell your child he will go out and find out from his friends and they might get distorted facts.
The money is ours
Imagine a little child being told that the parents earn and they have the say to whatever is bought in the house. Make the child feel that whatever money is earned by parents is his as well. This gives him the feeling of owning that money. Sit together and talk over any unreasonable demand made by your child. We cannot always give him everything. Don't we ever come to terms of not able to buy things at times?
Be honest with them
I shall be writing a separate post on to what extent should parents be honest with their children. But, for now I shall just say that always be honest with your children. It hardly matters what issues there may be but children percieve dishonesty and know when you are hiding something or are lying to them.
Proper guidance from the very beginning
It is not a one day task, regularly monitoring their activities is not easy. You need to decide when to tighten the control and when to losen it. Giving freedom also is important but how much is to be decided by both parents and children.
Same rules apply
Many a times there are separate rules laid out for a girl and a boy. If you have decided on a rule with your daughter go and do the same with son. Differentiating between a boy and a girl is just not acceptable by any child. I shall also write about sibbling rivalry separately.
Parenting is fun but comes with a lot of responsibility. Parents need to understand that children have their own identity, personality. They are mere caretakers helping to nuture their inherent talents and traits. They are not modelling clay to be moulded into a person we want them to be.
It can be the most depressing time in a mother's life when she starts to realize that her children are trying to ignore her, answer back at her and deciding what they want to do.
To a certain extent this change is very natural and in today's times, have'nt we been encouraging them to make decisions? Making decisions is definitely a postive development but the choice of making the right decision is important and that is where we as parents play a very major role. Let me start by talking about family values and the environment in family. Why? because family is the first contact with world a child gets, its also his first school.
Do the parents have respect for each other?
We are all individuals with a different personality and agreeing to each other is not easy but when it comes to the children then yes, they need to have a common say. Most of the times we notice that the parents might make contradictory statements. Remember, children are smart and they like to take advantage of whoever yields to their wishes. Yielding to their unreasonable demands is no love, they know that as well. On the contrary you are spoiling them.
I have seen parents looking down at their spouses or making fun of one parent with their children. There is a difference in making fun or ridiculing a parent and enjoying the laughter together.
The parents should try making a habit of deciding together. This I repeat is very important for once the children know that the parents consult each other and decide, not only does the respect for parents increase but couples also come close to each other.
Never oppose your spouse's decision in front of your children
Am I presenting this picture of your home? No matter how wrong your spouse may be, side with her/him in front of your children. If she has said no for something never say "you are wrong and I see no reason why they should not be doing this". This would confuse the child, who is right mother or father? Who should I go to if I need anything?
Maybe, signal each other to talk and if you have a good rapport then you would both understand. Talk to each other and arrive at a decision. If by this time you have realised that you were wrong, go to children and tell them that you think they were right.
Be in close contact with children
It may seem to be a boring idea but family bonding does not happen in a day, It takes whole parenthood to do so. Interacting with them as to what happened in school, their friends, what do they talk about all this will give you an idea as to what your child is thinking and which direction is he going especially during the pre-adolescent and adolescent phase. If you sense he is treading on a wrong path, this is the time to talk and check him. Even if you are working you can remotely be in touch with him. Thanks for technology now, we are 24 x7 online, not thinking how impossible it is now to evade anyone!
Physical closeness leads to security within a child. A child wants nothing than a warm hug from parents. I sometimes wonder why fathers are portrayed as those who cannot show their feelings. This is such a stereostyped character we represent of a father.If a mother can cry or feel sad at the time of their children's departure, why can't a father give a warm hug to his child and say that he misses him? Your child will definitely like that I can assure you.
You are your child's first teacher
Instill faith in your child. Talk to him even if the topic may be too embarassing for you to handle. But one of you should talk to children about the changes both physical and emotional they would be undergoing as they grow up. All this would depend on the social norms you have. Some places may have a tabboo on certain things and some may be too relaxed. Tell them that no question or querry is funny or embarassing and since it a biological fact, deal with it in a positve manner. If you don't tell your child he will go out and find out from his friends and they might get distorted facts.
The money is ours
Imagine a little child being told that the parents earn and they have the say to whatever is bought in the house. Make the child feel that whatever money is earned by parents is his as well. This gives him the feeling of owning that money. Sit together and talk over any unreasonable demand made by your child. We cannot always give him everything. Don't we ever come to terms of not able to buy things at times?
Be honest with them
I shall be writing a separate post on to what extent should parents be honest with their children. But, for now I shall just say that always be honest with your children. It hardly matters what issues there may be but children percieve dishonesty and know when you are hiding something or are lying to them.
Proper guidance from the very beginning
It is not a one day task, regularly monitoring their activities is not easy. You need to decide when to tighten the control and when to losen it. Giving freedom also is important but how much is to be decided by both parents and children.
Same rules apply
Many a times there are separate rules laid out for a girl and a boy. If you have decided on a rule with your daughter go and do the same with son. Differentiating between a boy and a girl is just not acceptable by any child. I shall also write about sibbling rivalry separately.
Parenting is fun but comes with a lot of responsibility. Parents need to understand that children have their own identity, personality. They are mere caretakers helping to nuture their inherent talents and traits. They are not modelling clay to be moulded into a person we want them to be.
great message! keep going
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